DEFCON 3: How do I Get my Partner Onboard?
01:02:04
Plant the idea then give it time and space to germinate! - Cairns, Australia
“Oh! The places you’ll go!”
#11 Up to now, we’ve discussed your own implicit and explicit DEFCONs (doubts, fears, concerns, and niggles). You may, by now even be addressing a few of them. However, without your partner onboard, this dream is going nowhere.
How can you ensure that your partner is fully invested, not merely because of your enthusiasm, but because they genuinely share it?
Arthur C. Clarke, writer, inventor, and futurist speculated that revolutionary ideas evoke three stages of reaction:
It's completely impossible.
It's possible, but it's not worth doing.
I said it was a good idea all along.
Your partner won’t buy into WHAT you want until they know WHY you want it, and if your reasons make THEM feel good about themselves, then it’s more likely to elicit a positive response.
So, don’t tell them you’re bored with life and want to do something different. Instead, tell them you’ve always admired their adventurous spirit and ask if they’ve ever considered doing something exciting in life like, oh, I don’t know, maybe traveling the world together? If you’re lucky, it might initiate an immediate and enthusiastic opt-in. Congratulations, you’ve been propelled directly to stage 3 and need not concern yourself with the rest of this post.
But if you plough straight into revealing your idea without knowing the emotional landscape or laying the foundational work, then you are entering uncharted waters, and your task will be made that much harder if the initial answer is an emphatic ‘no way!’.
Some people are drawn to isolation while others miss community interaction. Fiji Islands
There’s nothing worse than being stuck on a boat with someone who doesn’t like it or who holds you responsible for their discomfort. You both have to be on the same page physically, mentally, and emotionally. Pleading, coercion, or manipulation will never work because when the situation becomes ‘challenging’, as it inevitably will at some point in the adventure, there’ll be only one person to blame: you!
Patience isn't the absence of action; rather, it is the art of good timing. So, when choosing a time to discuss the idea, make sure there are no immediate demands on their attention and energy like kids, work, or their favourite TV show. Asking, then listening to your partner’s hopes and aspirations about life over a romantic, relaxing meal will be far more powerful than making them feel pressured into making you happy by doing what you want.
Before they buy into your idea, they have to buy into you. They need to really trust you. You need to capture their buy-in and not just their compliance. You need to exude the two universal characteristics of trust, which are competence (manifested through confidence and enthusiasm) and warmth (manifested through humility and empathy).
When choosing a time to discuss the idea, make sure there are no immediate demands on their attention. Gocek, Turkey.
So, consider what might go through their head on first hearing your thoughts:
How knowledgeable are you about this subject?
How serious are you about doing it?
Do you want this for yourself or both of us?
Are you going through a mental breakdown/midlife crisis?
Do I really want to spend that much time in close proximity with you?
Have you considered the consequences of this on our life?
To be forewarned is forearmed, so give some thoughts to these questions before opening up.
Just because you’re married or have been with your partner for many years, don’t assume you really KNOW their deep-seated motivations. Even though it was published in 1992, “Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus” by John Gray is still a fascinating read. When I first read it, I couldn't comprehend how two genders evolving side by side over millions of years could possibly live with such divergent mindsets. It explains how sometimes a perfectly benign and amicable conversation can quickly descend into an outright argument.
'Men are From Mars, Women are from Venus' by John Gray - The Classic Guide to Understanding the Opposite Sex!
It wasn’t until we were halfway through our circumnavigation in Australia, that Irenka and I suddenly came to the startling realisation that we were on ‘our’ journey together for totally different reasons. Even if, on the surface, we seemed very similar people with almost identical goals, our motivation, wants, and needs were completely different.
Irenka wanted to see the world and meet with communities and people from a wide range of cultures and backgrounds. I, on the other hand, wanted to live an autonomous and independent life away from the strictures of society and embrace isolation, with maybe the odd social beer every once in a while. Despite sharing the same objective - to circumnavigate the world - our reasons and drive were entirely contradictory.
Revealing your idea without knowing the emotional state of your partner may not end well! - A heated discussion onboard S/V Mothership.
If Irenka had tried to sell me a ‘world adventure' with a vision of immersing ourselves in other cultures and meeting lots of new people, it just wouldn’t have worked on me at all. Likewise, if I had laid out a vision of autonomy, independence, and off-grid isolated living, she wouldn’t have been the least bit interested.
Once we realised this, we re-calibrated our approach to our journey and adapted to each other's desires. Irenka concentrated on our family’s social side and passage planning while I concentrated on maintaining the boat and technical issues. In the end, this division of labour served us well and certainly reduced friction between us.
Irenka wanted to see the world and meet with communities and people from a wide range of cultures and backgrounds - Lo’s Tea House, Turtle Island, Fiji
So, you need to understand your partner’s underlying mindset. Extrapolate their love language and dance to their mood music. Talk to their elephant and not their rider. (If you don’t know what I’m talking about, go read the post on ‘DEFCONs and Elephants in the Room’).
Everyone has an intricate web of relationships, so make sure you also understand your partner’s social landscape, their friends, colleagues, and influences. These too will have an impact on how they respond to your suggestion and how they view things. Consider using them as an sounding board to gauge initial reaction.
Although it’s usually the man trying to persuade the woman, it’s not always the case. I’ve met wives eager to quit their jobs and explore the world but struggle to tempt their career-obsessed husbands to engage with the dream.
As with most impasses, communication is key. Listen without judgment to the concerns of your partner and don’t counter DEFCONs with overly confident reassurance and certainly not ridicule. Listen to objections without feeling the need to counteract them. Effective communication is critical as is compromise, adaptability and empathy. They go a long way toward opening up an honest dialogue.
Working together establishes compromise, adaptability and empathy. Fixing Solar Panels, Almerimar, Spain.
Take the opportunity to share vulnerabilities and reveal that you have a ton of DEFCON’s of your own. If you’re at Arthur’s stage 2 above, why not share your list and encourage them to add to it or even start one of their own. Tell them you feel the fear too but are excited to at least explore the possibility of this adventure with them. Remind them that, it doesn’t matter how trivial or stupid their DEFCONs seem, the point is to draw them into the cold light of day. Doing this exercise together will fortify you in your collective endeavour.
It doesn’t have to be an ‘all in’ or all out’ strategy either. Build up to it by watching some YouTube videos together and check out our website, especially the FAQ’s and ‘Community’ tab with its growing collection of family profiles. Consider a flotilla holiday or chartering a boat somewhere exciting for a week or two. Read the other DEFCONs in this chapter and weave them into your dialogue when discussing the subject.
Once you’ve planted the seed, give it some time and space to germinate.
Good luck!
That’s it for this week. Before next week why not check out John Gray's classic 'Men are From Mars, Women are from Venus?
Next week in DEFCON 4 - we'll be looking at the big one - What will I do for money?
“Oh! The places..”
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